Who better to talk draft than with Alex Jones, aka Bills Draft guru. Last time I had him on the podcast, we recorded an entire episode of material that became largely irrelevant because of Doug Marrone’s hasty exit from One Bills Drive. That won’t happen this time — the draft isn’t until late April.
This post is extremely late, and extremely irrelevant by now. Nevertheless I now bring you the best and worst dressed players from the NFL draft. Better late than never, amiright?
“The NFL Draft 2013-Best Dressed” post originally was intended to be a critique of fashion choices in some sort of linear manner. However, my panel of experts had to keep it real. Thus, within the contents of this post there is no structure to speak of and male objectification abounds. Girls will be girls, I suppose.
Below are highlights of some of the finest evening wear from last Thursday, along with comments from various panelists–too numerous to list out. If you want to stalk them, click on their names.
P.S. I stayed in on a Friday night to work on this instead of going out and getting Enloe.
“Wow. He looks very sharp in that outfit. The suit is a nice shade, works well with his skin tone. He may play for one of the biggest losers in the NFL (The Browns, technically my favourite NFL team), but his style wins. I give him five winks out of three and a “call me maybe.”
“He looks spiffy like any soon to be rich football player but his name is totally fake. Is he like trying to prove he’s part dog and can bark? How is that a real name?”
“His suit is sexy. Tight enough but not too tight, you can figure out what you need to know without getting into metro territory. The shoes though, have got to be less pointy next time. Overall, I wouldn’t necessarily need to be drunk.”
“His glasses are broken–amongst other things. I think he needs to go find himself in a far off distant land. You know backpack through India, maybe get dysentery, see the light.”
(Ed.Note: Ziggy Ansah is a Ghana native who attended Brigham Young University on academic scholarship. Of course, instead of encouraging him to further pursue higher learning, Ansah has been pushed into America’s blood sport of choice. The grand result is a very intelligent human being not recycling his 3D glasses after watching GI Joe: Retaliation.)
“This guy should beat up the person who took this photo because canted angles are always a terrifying way to frame someone. He’s pointing his thumb in the wrong direction.”
“Yes please–I am into the douchebag look. My friends and I like to play a game at Jays games where we say if we would trust a player to babysit our (imaginary) kids based on their player pic on the Jumbotron. ‘Kenny’ would definitely not pass that test–he seems like he would spend the whole time taking ‘selfies’ instead of watching said kids. Still, 8 out of 10.”
“My friend Mathabo always says that Leo DiCaprio gets fat like a girl–he carries all his weight in his hips and thighs. This guy seems cut from the same cloth. But he has a nice smile, and I think his fly is open, which makes him seem endearing, so I’d hit it. 6 out of 10.”
(Ed.Note: Kristi rates everyone on a 1 to A.J. Burnett scale.)
“Bowties can be sexy but this is accessory overkill. It just looks tacky and like he’s desperate for attention. Plus, the cornrows aren’t sexy and neither are the glasses. He should have just picked ONE.”
“Boy oh boy oh boy.” (Ed.Note: he stopped typing at this point.)
Barry Sanders at the podium instead of on his porch, wishing he could be regaling anyone who will listen to him nascent minds about the shit he’s seen.
Before I post my own mock draft, I had a few experts chime in with their predictions.
“Tavon Austin. He maximizes all of his 5-8 frame–I appreciate efficiency. Apparently, “he’s a bad little man.” Has he read The Prince? If not, I will have my secretary send him a copy. We need more 5-8 males dominating their respective fields. I would sleep well having taken him first overall”
“Maybe they’ll use the pick to draft a really intelligent QB who went to a great school and yet constantly throws bonehead picks over the middle. Then they’ll pay him really well and everything will work out fine. Ryan Nassib didn’t attend an Ivy league school, but he scored well on the Wonderlic. Close enough. Ryan Nassib. That’s your pick Buffalo Bills.”
“The Bills should take Matt “Not Charles” Barkley or Ryan Nassib Kadri at 8. To be honest, I want them to take one of these shitty white quarterbacks, instead of Tavon Austin. Sorry Bills, but the Jets are a long-suffering franchise too.
With that in mind, the Jets could take the shitty white quarterback that the Bills don’t take. However, seeing as the Jets already have the two most underwhelming QB’s in the league (granted, those three days of Tai-Chi have worked wonders for Tebow), it’s time to start shoring up the defensive line. Instead of taking the best player available (Jarvis Jones), the Jets will opt for the best name available: Barkevious “Kiki” Mingo. Get ready for the auto-correcting; “Bark Evil” or “Brake vinous.” The powerful edge rusher from LSU will give some much-needed speed and power that has been missing for some time. It’s time to take the Jets’ defence in a new direction… hopefully one that is not chasing down RB’s that have broken free.
With the 13th pick in the draft, the New York Jets select…a trade with the San Francisco 49ers. The Niners are going to be in the business of trading up and trading off their picks this year. They are an overloaded team with too many picks and they can’t afford to have more guys on the bench. Or the Jets will keep the pick and go with Tavon Trevor Austin the Wide Receiver out of West Virginia. He can be that big time playmaker that Santonio Holmes has not been for the last two years. Of course, this is all contingent on the Bills not taking Austin first. The Bills will find a way to screw up their draft. And, so will the Jets.”
“The Bills should take Tavon Austin; the Buffalo Bills will take Matt Barkley. I’ve been hearing a lot of chatter comparing Matt Barkley to Aaron Rodgers, but we all know this is the Kirk/Picard argument all over again. At the end of the day, you want Rodgers out of the pocket and Picard manning the bridge. Yeah that’s right, Shatner wasn’t in the new Star Trek movie. Get over it.”
EMAILS FROM DOUG WHALEY 
