I was running late on New Year’s Eve. I’m happy to say it wasn’t because of Doug Marrone’s performance art piece — you just know he stretched out this whole ordeal to ruin Joe Buscaglia’s New Year’s plans. I spent my day editing the most recent podcast, which, at the time, I was sure would not become irrelevant instantly. Other than delay the night’s festivities, it really didn’t effect my mood. Same with the Doug Marrone news.
In fact, my first response = a lazy pun.
My ambivalence may come as a surprise to some considering my thoughts on Doug Marrone. Sure, I’ve defended Marrone in the past, and fuck, I even went as far as saying I love the guy during “Btw, Tom Brady Might Be A Free Agent.” But even if I love Doug Marrone and all of the metaphors he inspires, the New York Jets murder butterflies. Just being honest — there is no way I could love a guy who the Jets think might be the one. I can do better. And so can the Buffalo Bills.
The Buffalo Bills entrusted Doug Marrone with a talented roster and the second year coach acquitted himself respectably. Personally, I would have brought him back next season with a new offensive coordinator because the Bills have the roster to compete for a playoff spot. However, if I were to Freaky Friday the Bills with another team — let’s call them the New Jersey Airplanes — I would have broken up with Marrone via text.
To be honest, the New Jersey Airplanes are actually the New York Jets. The Jets were doing better with Rex Ryan at the helm but they have a terrible roster, unlike the Bills. Ryan put together a decent defense last season with a few outstanding defensive linemen and a patchwork secondary. Unfortunately, he couldn’t do the same with the other side of the ball. The offense — as it’s referred to — is only considered one because, you know, nomenclature. Thankfully, the Jets mercy-killed Rex Ryan — and hopefully he becomes the next coach of the Atlanta Falcons.
Like Rex Ryan, Marrone is not solving their problems. Just imagine a post-apocalyptic scenario: after generations of mismanagement, Earth is a hellscape. Save for a few left-for-dead football players like Geno Smith, Percy Harvin and Eric Decker, the hellscape is barren and deserted. Let’s say you’re a fan of a team whose current offensive roster resembles that of a post-apocalyptic future, would you look to Doug Marrone, and Nathaniel Hackett, as your unlikely heroes? Do you really want a future filled with 2-yard screens to Eric Decker?
After you’re done with that sequence, don’t erase it. Take a second to imagine– actually, scratch that, just consider that the Jets are in the same division as the Bills. When — not if — the Jets hire Doug Marrone, I will cross off two wins for the Bills.