Breaking News: “Our Main Problem Is Scoring.”

“Our main problem is scoring,” Doug Marrone announced during his press conference today. If you aren’t already laughing hysterically, say “Our main problem is scoring” to yourself using the Ron Burgundy voice.

“An astute observation has led to laughing… We are laughing… And it is continuing…”

What he should have added was, “Our main problem is scoring, when Dan Carpenter isn’t on the field.” But you don’t need us to tell you how valuable Dan Carpenter is to this team. Others around the Buffalo Bills blogosphere, like Rob Quinn of, have also noticed that their offensive attack is largely based on Dan Carpenter.

Quinn’s numbers combine touchdowns from Marrone’s entire tenure. As for this season, Dan Carpenter has scored 82 of the Buffalo Bills 108 pts. However, there may be a deeper, darker reason for Dan Carpenter’s high usage this year.

According to advanced stats hotshot Chase Stuart, Carpenter’s point total has less to do with his skill, and more with opportunity.

No judgement here–he’s just like the rest of us, turned on by some weird shit. Hopefully admitting his offense is terrible is the first step to recovery.



As far as fetishes go, this one is more understandable than the one he has for Chris Hogan.



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