An Examined Bills Life Worth Living

 

It’s not all bad when it comes to the Buffalo Bills. Coming into this season it appeared, to me at least, that the Buffalo Bills had a strong defense (4th according to Football Outsiders in 2014) that complimented their young stable of receivers and incredible depth at running back. I was feeling quite confident about the upcoming season (8-8 maybe 9-7 even), but to my surprise, my confidence wasn’t shared by pretty much anyone in the media.

After reading and listening to more than a dozen previews, I found 3 things present in all of them.

1.) The Bills will finish 4-12.

2.) The Cleveland Browns will pick first overall next year.*

3.) Bills fans are “living on a prayer,” or any other obligatory/hack-y Bon Jovi joke you can think of. **

It’s been a long summer.

Avoiding any Bills related podcasts, or reading any articles on the upcoming season would have been the healthy thing do, but apparently I’m a masochist. Nevertheless, I wasn’t content with reading and listening to constant negativity. So I questioned whether the examined Buffalo Bills life was one still worth living.

 

Madden Giferator wouldn’t let me use the word dead, so I had to get creative.

***

I wrote the first part of this post before the Bills road win against the Chicago Bears. Those paragraphs were intended as part of a post defending against all the grim predictions levied against the Bills — while also interjecting insults towards the media. Unfortunately, those paragraphs were no longer necessary to that piece because the idiot talking heads/blowhard columnists were eating so much shit, I didn’t have to add to their plate.

Nonetheless, I wasn’t satisfied. So I took to the internet.

On various message boards I basked in the opportunity to say I told you so. After what the media put me through this summer, it was my moral obligation to tell them what’s what. Except, I didn’t really do it myself because I am far too weak-willed. Instead, I lived vicariously through other more hands-on fans of the Buffalo Bills. *** My hands-off revelry didn’t stop there. While navigating the Buffalo Rumblings (BR) comments sections, I stumbled upon a post from Chicago Tribune writer Steve Rosenbloom. Knowing the final score, I clicked on the link thinking doing so wouldn’t cause me any pain that I kind of enjoyed, but was too scared to admit.

Through Rosenbloom’s  column, I channeled my suppressed masochism into the enjoyment other people’s pain. Rosenboom, who is a self-professed conservative, is known for ridiculous claims that bait readers into insanely stupid arguments—his shtick reads like refried Ann Coulter. After the Bears loss at home, Rosenbloom slapped together a rambling, incoherent response titled, “Is The Bears Season Already over?” The hyperbolic, sensationalistic headline served as a great lede because it foreshadowed his unsound thoughts. Take for example, his claim that the entire Bears team sucked—he even singled out Brandon Marshall’s 2 td performance as “sucking.” Moreover, he also claimed the Bills are a terrible team with a QB “who can’t throw like a real NFL quarterback” — all the while his Twitter was flooded with Bills fans defending E.J. Manuel by backing up their claims with evidence. At no point in Rosenbloom’s rambling, incoherent response was he even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. But was there something underlying his hysterical column?

What do you see?

I began to wonder about Rosenbloom’s mental stability, however, he stopped short of telling his readers that nothing felt good. Nonetheless, my suspicions remained. As the column began to climax, Rosenbloom escalated his sensationalist whining and exclaimed hysterically, ” … lose to the Bills? Kill me now.” Finally, Rosenbloom’s mania was easy enough to assess for anyone with a first-year psych credit.

***

Upon examining the Chicago Bears , Rosenbloom found nothing but inkblots that resembled death. But I gotta give it up to him. With all the negativity he faced, he still managed to finish his post. It was like staring into a mirror, but with a far stupider (sic) reflection.

Before going to bed, I turned on the Grantland NFL Podcast hosted by Chicago Bears fan Robert Mays. As I was yawning I heard Mays make a claim about the Bears/Bills game. “It wasn’t that the Bills won, so much as the Bears lost,” he said during the intro. The podcast continued, but I fell asleep shortly after.

Great writer and bitter Bears fan.

Footnotes

* If you ask me the better bet is the Browns using their own pick to select first overall. Burn.

** The only good one I’ve heard was from a Bills fan: “Bon Jovi. Wanted dead.”

*** My favourite was a screengrab of all the espn experts picking the bears with the caption “I’m tired of Espn’s shit.”

 

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2 thoughts on “An Examined Bills Life Worth Living

  1. Hahaha, yeah, my wife sent me the Rosenbloom article. She said, “is this really how the rest of the country sees the Bills?” She was particularly amused by the portrayal of Kyle Williams as some nameless fat man, while we see him as a Pro Bowl DT and one of our best leaders/veterans.

    Like

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