NFL Preview In Bite Size Chunks

A homeless man’s Moneyball

Premise: When a blogger goes crazy after watching Draft Day on repeat, he starts working Draft Day references into everything he writes, but he finds that his exercise in insanity inadvertently excorcises his Buffalo Bills demons.

First off, for those of you too intimidated to read an entire season preview, download my playoff bracket below…

Playoff Bracket 2015

Disclaimer: If you consider any of my predictions insane, please step back, take a breath, and then think rationally for a second. If you don’t instantly realize that predictions of any sort are complete, mindless garbage, I can’t save you. For those of you who understand the futility of human endeavour, here is some mindless entertainment to pass the time.

I will separate all 32 teams (worst to first) based on how likely they are to be chosen after this season for a straight-to-dvd sequel to the mediocre Kevin Costner movie Draft Day.

Draft Day II: these teams are prime candidates for a straight-to-dvd sequel based on a moribund franchise. 

32. Cleveland Browns. 1-15

I’m sorry Mike Petinne, I really am. I loved you as a defensive coordinator, I even understood why you left the Bills for a head coaching job. I’m just not over how the producers of Draft Day dropped Buffalo for Cleveland. 1-15 for you!

31. Oakland Raiders 2-13

Ice Cube, a Raiders fan, once proclaimed that he wouldn’t choke like the Buffalo Bills. His favourite team, the Raiders, wont come anywhere close to choking at any point this, or, next decade.

30. Washington 3-13

RG3’s struggles in the preseason have diverted attention from that entitled little dick, Dan Snyder. Looking into my crystal ball, I foresee an injury to RG3. “Well isn’t that obvious?” you ask. Yes and no. In week one against the Texans, Griffin will suffer a shoulder injury, rather than a knee injury, thus bringing the great white hope Kirk Cousins to the fore. The Redskins will have a terrible season, but at least their fans, and Redskins alumni, will finally have the quarterback they have yearned for. Once RG3 is inexplicably run out of town, the Redskins will have no choice but to rename themselves the Washington Stupid White Men. *

*Brightside: they have their first round pick this year!

Is this what you want people?

29. Tennessee 4-12

Ryan Fitzpatrick is gone, but Jake Locker is back. Sure, injury-prone Locker is a slight upgrade, but only when he is in the line up. It’s only inevitable that at some point this year Titans fans will be wishing for Ryan Fitzpatrick to comeback. Shit is gonna get weird, I tell ya.

28. Kansas City 4-12

Alex Smith signs big contract and proceeds to be absolutely terrible. The end.

27. St. Louis 4-12

I’m surprised Rams fans haven’t started chanting, “You fucked up,” every time Sam Bradford gets injured.

Draft Day II: these teams are on the bubble for a straight-to-dvd sequel 

26. Jacksonville 5-11

5-11 is an improvement, no?

25. Minnesota 5-11

I don’t feel good about this pick, but the Vikings face Green Bay and Chicago four times, and both those squads are far more talented. However, neither of them have a super human freak on their team, like Adrian Peterson.*

*Who may or may not have have a baby inside his leg. Thanks Germany!

24. Tampa Bay 6-10

Now that scurvy MRSA is a thing of the past, the Buccaneers will improve—but only by two wins. Falcons < Buccaneers, Saints < Buccaneers, even Panthers, and all their problems < Buccaneers. They’ve got a good coach, a good roster, and I don’t even mind Josh McCown,* but this is a tough division and someone has to finish last.

*I do mind their backup Mike Glennon. Google Mike Glennon, and click on images, and laughter will ensue.

Googling Mike Glennon never gets old.

23. Detroit 6-10

Unless you’re looking for a Christian Deepak Chopra type to work as the spiritual advisor of your football team, stay away from Jim Caldwell.

Draft Day II: these teams have major weaknesses that could land them in the lap of Ivan Reitman.

22. New York Giants 7-9

I love Eli Manning because he always seems stoned—which would explain why he is so chilled out during big moments. But I myself would have to be really fucking stoned to think the Giants will be anything more than mediocre this year.

21. Miami Dolphins 8-8

I say gun control is some dumb shit.

Bold prediction: No team coached by Joe Philbin, or quarterbacked by Ryan Tannehill, will ever be good. *

*Ryan Tannehill’s wife has bigger guns than her husband.*

*My first unnecessary shot at Ryan Tannehill’s wife — of the year.

 

“It’s important to note that the rifle is legally owned by Tannehill.”

20. New York Jets 8-8

After an 8-8 season, Rex Ryan will have a lot more time to devote to foot handjobs.

19. Pittsburgh Steelers 8-8

Since Big Ben has cleaned up his act, it just hasn’t been the same.*

*Good humans generally don’t make good quarterbacks. I can’t believe I still watch the NFL.

Draft Day II: Ivan Reitman would love to work with these teams, but they wont give him the time of day for another two seasons.

18. Cincinnati Bengals 8-8

They’ve had too many winning seasons in a row, so it’s about time the Bengals fuck up.

17. Carolina 8-8

Sure, their offense looks pretty terrible, but Cam Newton is second to Adrian Peterson in superhuman qualities. *

*And I’m pretty sure he has never been to Germany.

16. Arizona 8-8

I like this team a lot — I even buy the Carson Palmer renaissance. But that fucking division…

15. Houston 9-7

Anyone else starting to dislike J.J. Watt? He’s got a sort of Patrick Bateman quality to him. Whatever. The Texans will bench Ryan Fitzpatrick and replace him with a fan off the street. They will finish 9-7, but lose out on the playoffs because they started Ryan Fitzpatrick at on one point during the season.

14. Philadelphia 9-7

I worship at the altar of Chip Kelly, but he sure isn’t a defensive genius. Not to mention, quality defensive coordinators have a years worth of tape on his offense. I don’t doubt he will introduce some new wrinkles, but if the offense isn’t as good as last year, the defense wont mitigate the offense’s regression.*

*Oh fuck, I actually kind of sort of analyzed a team. Insert dick joke here.

13. Dallas 9-7

Dallas beats out Philly for the division, but the media and fans still figure out a way to call Tony Romo a choker.

For some reason, I still think he’s with Jessica Simpson.

Draft Day II: one team should have been in the original and after a successful season will turn down Ivan Reitman’s shitty straight-to-dvd sequel.

12. San Diego 9-7.

If San Diego is a whale’s vagina, then Denver is a whale’s dick.

11. Buffalo 9-7

Yeah, I’m a Bills fan, but the truth is, I need a little positivity in my life, like, right now. *

*I will have more on the Bills tomorrow.

Draft Day II: these teams aren’t impressed by how Ivan Reitman works Ghosbusters into every conversation.

10. New England 10-6

My prediction assumes that Bob Kraft doesn’t have influence over Patriots games.

9. Seattle Seahawks 11-5

Russell Wilson was Will Smith last year, beloved by all and considered perfect in every way. However,  this year he morphs into Will Smith, the rumoured scientologist.*

*Apparently his father trained him to be a “king.” Read the Sports Illustrated feature here.

8. Baltimore Ravens 11-5

Will I ever be able to justify being Wacko for Flacco outside of the playoffs? Yes, and this is the year because new coordinator Gary Kubiak will run a ton of play action to take advantage of Flacco’s deep ball skills. *

* Torrey Smith will finish with 1,400 yards.

7. Atlanta Falcons 11-5

Matt Ryan throwing to healthy receivers like, Julio Jones and Roddy White, equals playoffs. It’s a simple, but foolproof formula.

6. Chicago 12-4

I think I have a crush on Alshon Jeffery.

Draft Day II: these teams wouldn’t let Ivan Reitman into their building. 

5. San Francisco 12-4

I’ve been reading a lot about Jim Harbaugh’s problems with management and the concerns that it will effect San Francisco’s season. Considering that Harbaugh’s teachers complained to his parents about his insane competitiveness in grade school, I can’t see Harbaugh giving anything but his all to win every game he can.

4. New Orleans 12-4

Far removed from the NFL’s bizarre handling of the bounty scandal, the Saints will be one of the better teams in the league—in games inside a dome.

3. Indianapolis Colts 14-2

Whatever, I know what you’re thinking: “Their roster sucks.” But seriously it doesn’t matter when you can get on your soapbox and say you’ve got Johnny Unitas Andrew Luck behind centre.

2. Green Bay Packers 14-2

Considering he’s coming back from a serious injury, with the love of a good woman in hand, an already intensely motivated individual like Aaron Rodgers has all the extra motivation he needs to fuck shit up in the NFC conference. *

*I don’t consider Olivia Munn a distraction. If anything Rodgers needs a little fun in between practice and games. All work and no play… turns you into Tom Brady.*

*I would have to see a leaked sex tape to believe Giselle and Tom have actually mated.

Draft Day II: Ivan Reitman wont even bother asking. 

1. Denver Broncos 15-1

I think Peyton Manning will regress this year—but that means he will throw for 30 touchdowns instead of 55. However, Manning’s regression wont be due to his German made neck, but rather, it just wont be necessary for Manning to throw as many touchdowns with a top-5 defense.*

* I’m actually more concerned about the necks of opposing teams quarterbacks. Re: Von Miller and Demarcus Ware.

If you’ve read this far. You’re a good person. Make sure to download the playoff bracket!

Playoff Bracket 2015

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2 thoughts on “NFL Preview In Bite Size Chunks

    • To be honest, I intentionally try to make my picks different than all the other previews.

      I imagine you disagree wuth Pittsburgh. They are probably a wild card team, but i had to pick the Bills cuz I’m a homer.

      Like

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