Five Players To Dump On Draft Night For Superficial Reasons.
Premise: After rewatching an episode of Seinfeld, a rational fantasy footballer finds himself dumping his fantasy stalwarts for superficial reasons.
I’ve been on a Seinfeld kick lately. After rewatching “The Engagement”—from the sitcom’s seventh season—I realized how much I relate to Jerry’s actions. Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld’s supposed protagonist, was notorious for singling out quirks and using them as excuses to break up with girlfriends. After researching for my fantasy football draft, I realized I’ve been doing the same thing this year—but with large muscular men who play football. Where as in past years, I prided myself on making rational, objective decisions based on things like players stats, this year I’ve found myself breaking up with the following players for superficial reasons.
Peyton Manning is coming off the greatest fantasy season of all time, but I’m concerned his age is starting to show. I recently saw Vine video footage of Peyton dancing at training camp, and to be honest, I’m afraid. With dance moves like that—beware the twerking at the end—I can’t imagine him dancing around the pocket enough to throw another 55 touchdowns. Not to mention, I can’t be seen with anyone whose dancing looks like “a full body dry heave set to music.”
Much has been made of Tom Brady’s fantasy football decline. Some point to his lack of receiving options, others to his inability to get the ball deep. Either way, I don’t care. I can’t draft a guy who hocks Men’s Uggs.
Marshawn Lynch is coming off a season with almost 1,200 yards and 12 touchdowns, but Lynch’s bruising style, mixed with his age, (28) leads me to believe I should stay away. But most importantly, he started putting velvet ropes around his Lamborghini. This has Ricky Vaughan in Major League 2 written all over it.
Obviously Peyton Manning is coming off the greatest fantasy season of all time, but I’m concerned his age is starting to show. I saw some Vine video footage from training camp and I’m afraid he’s lost his mobility. With dance moves like that—he briefly twerked at the end—I can’t imagine him dancing around the pocket enough to throw another 55 touchdowns. Not to mention, I can’t be seen with anyone whose dancing looks like “a full body dry heave set to music.”
In a league with way too many PR issues, Victor Cruz is a breath of fresh air. The former undrafted free agent always gets attention for the right reasons, like when he dedicates every one of his touchdowns to his grandmother. The NFL’s Golden Boy is at it again. This time a video of Cruz proposing to his longtime girlfriend went viral. It’s touching stuff, but how am I supposed to justify drafting a decent human being?
The man who brought us the “Summer of Gronk,” Rob Gronkowski, has toned down his party hardy act this offseason. “Yeah, I’m not hitting that right now,” Gronkowski told USA Today, “I’m just focused on playing football.” After two injury riddled seasons fantasy owners should be delighted that Gronk has chosen football over fiestas. But I’m not one of those owners. Insane football players are more my type.