Last year I asked several of my friends to choose who the Buffalo Bills would take with their first round pick. Defying convention, the majority correctly predicted EJ Manuel. Are my friends draft clairvoyants? Not exactly.
They just have good taste in men.
And as alluded to in his post-draft press conference last year, so does former GM Buddy Nix. In masturbated breath, Nix couldn’t stop talking about how big Manuel’s hands are and how much tape he watched on him. The question this year for my friends is, will new GM Doug Whaley have the same taste in men as Nix? Hard to tell at this point, but one thing is certain, Nix and Whaley don’t share the same taste in pornography.
The following are real quotes, from real friends, who have really varied tastes.
Dat smile.
First pick: Jadeveon Clowney. That smile is to die for, total lady killer. With those dreads he reminds me of Mekhi Phieffer in 8 Mile, which is always a good thing
With his head down like that, you’d think Manziel is disappointed Drake didn’t start from the bottom.
Runner up: let’s get this straight – Johnny Football is ugly as sin. But he’s the American football version of Wayne Rooney – the opposite of easy on the eyes but is basically a money tree, so that brings him from about a 3 to a 8. Also, he’s friends with Drake. What’s not to like? #YOLO
Maya Zuzek loves Dix, HaHa.
First pick: HaHa Clinton Dix. Didn’t even have to see a picture to know this guy wins.
Runner up: Zach Ebron – attractive, but honestly I got side tracked by the one photo of Zac Efron that showed up in the search.
Christ Almighty/ Bay Street Lawyer.
First Pick: Johhny Manziel. It’s the Western girl in me. He looks like a frat boy who’d drunkenly dry hump me and then I’d spend the rest of the semester trying to figure out why we aren’t dating.
I feel like Johnny Manziel would get bored at Western.
Runner Up: Jedeveon Clowney. Clowney is legitimately quite cute. He could with a hair cut. Maybe some RG3 length dreads would be better. I see he majored in American Studies, too. Just keeps getting better–can the Giants have him instead? (Ed. Note: Yes, as long as it results in another Super Bowl loss for the Patriots.)
Jody-Anne. Randolph Theatre School graduate, triple threat, and definitely not a football fan.
First pick: David Carr. Hi. You’re hot. I’m single. Let’s mingle? Please don’t give me any of your STDs that you may have from every woman on the planet lusting after your incredible semi mullett. You have one hell of a head of hair. And I like your muscles. And your soap star face. And other things… (Ed. Note: Problem is, this isn’t Best Looking Player Available 2002. Derek Carr, his extremely younger brother, is up for the draft this year. Jody’s response, “Oh, he’s hot too.”)
The Carr brothers. Either of them will do.
Runner up: Jadeveon Clowney: You too have incredible hair. Are they extensions? What kind? Can you hook me up? I also like your muscles and your wicked tats.
Isabel Mundigo-Moore giving her picks from Scotland.
First Pick: Definitely Jadeveon Clowney by a long shot. That hair and that smile. And not too bulky like Troy Niklas (who has a great face, see his younger pics, but he’s too bulky now).
Blake Bortles’ girlfriend finding new and exciting ways to wear bikinis while cameras are present.
Runner up: Blake Bortles who looks genuinely like a really nice guy. Has a classic look (tall, dark, handsome) and a cute concentration face. (Ed. Note: no comment on where the concentration is on his girlfriend.)
These next three come as a packaged deal: Sam, Alex, and Heather work together–call themselves glorified babysitters of Canadian celebrities. (Ed. Note: My reaction to a Canadian celebrity below.)
First up, Sam, who sleeps with her Bluetooth headset on.
This list is abysmal. I don’t even have the words to completely explain how disappointed I am in the NFL’s lack of ability to recruit good-looking men. (Ed. Note: While most experts agree that this year’s draft is deep with talent, Sam is not as impressed.) If I am going to be forced to watch Football or be forced to listen to my crazy friends incessant Football ramblings, you could at least give me some god damn eye candy. (Ed. Note: Umm, I’ve been told their butts look good in their uniform.)I google’d “NFL player with nice butt.” Their algorithms thought nothing of it.
First Pick: Mike Evans. Why? He’s the only one who doesn’t look like he was dropped on his head as a child.Runner Up – It’s a tie between Jadaveon Clowney & Sammy Watkins Why? I like their hair. I want them to French braid mine.
First of all, I need to address something: Sam’s #1 pick? He looks like Entourage Seasons 1-3 era “Turtle” …. she can’t even make the “personality claim”… it was before Jamie-Lynn Z. made him a better man. When I first saw him I thought I misread the rules and was supposed to pick the worst looking. (Ed. Note: She really knows how to talk some trash.)
First pick: Jadeveon Clowney. Why? Despite how difficult it would be to yell his name, J could satisfy my fantasy of a young Denzel–without having to invest the time and money into time travel. (Ed. Note: If I could go back in time, I know that I would open up a can of worms. I could never turn down Lea Thompson–Marty McFly is a better man than I’ll ever be.) (Ed. Note #2: If I could go back in time, I would go back to Larisa Oleynik “Ten Things I Hate About You” era. I thought maybe “Secret World of Alex Mack” era, but NSA.) (Ed. Note #3: I feel like white-collar criminals would ruin time travel for those of us looking for a second chance at love.)
Runner Up – Blake Bortles. Why? Because he looks like he’s a Southern cowboy… and seems like he’s really good to his mama without being too into his mama in the down-South-backwards kind of way.
The first cuts.
Wooof! Definitely looks like more than a few of these guys have been dropped on their heads… And what’s with the mustache Tatooo?? WTF>>He looks like an aging child actor. Never the star, but maybe played the older brother in a Home Alone sequel. Thoughts?
First pick: (Ed. Note: and only pick.) It was tough, but I’d have to say my first pick is Blake Bortles…Yes there was this picture…BUTAccording to her Instagram, she’s comfortable in a bikini.
There is also this one… I pick him because he is the only one that doesn’t make me want to throw up in my mouth Now I just need to do something about this b**** and he’s all mine…alllllllllllll mine… (Ed. Note: Stay safe, Lindsey Duke. The world needs your Instagram in a future where traditional currency ceases to exist and bikini pics are bartered.)
Johnny Manziel Generally pretty ugly. He looks like he plays for a high school junior team. At the same time he’s the most QBish looking. It would probably take me 10 beers (keep in mind I hardly drink) to hook up with this guy.
Jadeveon Clowney He’d be much better looking without all the hair. You can tell there’s a decent face in there somewhere. Some guys can really pull this look off and he just cant. That being said he looks like he could lay some pipe so I’d only need like 5 beers max. And maybe an advil. DE is my body type of choice too.. so much power.
Jake Matthews Gross & never. He’s in line behind Manziel.
Mike Evans He’s not ugly but he’s also not my type. He seems like a guy who gets friend zoned a lot.
According to Lauren, killer instinct on the field, but not so much off of it.
Sammy Watkins Too small, hair looks dumb. He’s mildly attractive. Truthfully Im just never into offensive players for some reason. They seem like pushovers.
Blake Bortles #1 white dude Holy delish. Not only would I need 0 drinks to bang this guy, i’d also buy him as many as he wanted. This is the type of guy you marry. He can get it.
Taylor Lewan white guy runner up If Bortles wont marry me, I’ll take this guy.
His love comes with complimentary pain killers.
***
Based on this highly scientific sample, this year’s first round pick from the Buffalo Bills will be, drum roll please, Jedeveon Clowney. Before I leave, a prediction of my own: Doug Whaley will accidentally send an email with a video link to Roger Goodell that proves exactly how big Jedeveon Clowney’s hands are.
EJ Manuel shirtless for good luck.
EMAILS FROM DOUG WHALEY 