Not A Gambling Column–(Week 9)

Not A Gambling Column–(Week 9)

I went 12-1 last week! Not to mention, my only loss was the super sketchy Patriots win. I considered making myself 13-0 with an asterisk. But my common sense catholic upbringing taught me that two wrongs don’t make a right. Regardless 12-1 is nothing to sneeze at, so I spent the whole week patting myself on the back.

Well, by whole week I mean two days. Let’s just say my Thursday pick didn’t go so well. I think I might go 1-12 this week.


Cincinnati over Miami. I waffled on this one several times. I should have went with the home team, but stupid NFL Network convinced me the Bengals pass rush would destroy the decimated Miami o-line. I even considered changing my pick mid-game but I’ve got nothing if I don’t have my few readers trust.

Buffalo over Kansas City. Give us our Tuel, and we shall finish the job. I don’t care that Jeff Tuel is starting, I’m picking my Buffalo Bills. I vowed to pick them all year–other than the Saints game–and I’m sticking by it. Obviously I don’t feel good about it, but fuck it. Here’s my rationalization: the Bills weakness defensively has been deep plays, Chiefs can’t throw deep; the Bills strength is intercepting short to intermediate passes, the Chiefs throw nothing but short to immediate passes. I look forward to reading this paragraph and mocking myself around 4:30 pm. #tueltime.

Dallas over Minnesota. At least Christian Ponder succeeded at life in the grand scheme of things.

Christian Ponder’s wife. (Not Snow White you sicko)

Tennessee over St. Louis. I was really tempted to take the Rams this week. Then I remembered Kellen Clemens is starting. But I have 40-yard Zac Stacy Dash* on my fantasy team, so they’ve gotta make it respectable.

New Orleans over NY Jets. Dear Drew Brees: please throw 5 touchdowns against the Jets so I can feel better about my team. Thanks JP.

Washington Stupid White Men over San Diego. The home team wins!

Carolina over Atlanta. I am so glad Cam Newton has finally won over the national media… for now. If they lose this week, I look forward to all the “should Cam Newton get benched for Derek Anderson” insanity.

Oakland over Philadelphia. I am so proud of my prediction that the Oakland Raiders weren’t going to be that bad this year. And, I’m beaming with pride over Terrelle Pryor’s development. I’m going to ignore the td-int ratio in favour of the 93-yard untouched touchdown. Sorry Chip Kelly, you need to find yourself a Pryor.

Seattle over Tamrsa Bay. I feel like this is a Pete Carroll statement game, as in “I’m gonna show that dick how you coach a team well and not be a complete fucking prick that everyone on the team hates” kind of game.

Who does this remind you of?

Baltimore over Cleveland. I don’t care that these aren’t the Ravens of old because they are playing the Browns of old.

Pittsburgh over New England. The Patriots now are probably going to face the Broncos without their head coach. This is the luckiest professional sports team of all time that’s coincidentally owned by freemasons.

Indianapolis over Houston. Luck better not fuck this up.

Green Bay over Chicago. I swear to God, Aaron Rodgers threw a ball through someone’s head into Jordy Nelson’s hands last week. Somehow he didn’t get called for an unnecessary roughness penalty.

Last Week: 12-1 This year: 81-39.

*I can safely assume this is the first ever NFL draft combine/clueless reference.

Still trying to figure this one out.


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