Buffalo Bills Rational Recap–Violence Against Inanimate Objects Edition (Week 7)

Buffalo Bills Rational Recap–Violence Against Inanimate Objects Edition (Week 7)
 

Every Monday* I try my very best to write a rational recap of the latest Buffalo Bills game. For last week’s recap, CLICK HERE!

 *Except the bye week and the Thursday night NFL network shit show against the Cleveland Browns.

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At this rate, I wont outlive Chris Farley (RIP).

Honestly, does every Buffalo Bills game have to come down to the 4th quarter? Could the Buffalo Bills just get blown out, or better yet, blow someone out for a change? Honestly at this rate, I am going to die a young man–by today’s post world war standards.

I guess I should be starting this post on a happier note because the Bills won, but I have a history of heart problems in my family. I may have to stop watching this team for my own good. At one point during the game, I actually clutched my remote in my hand and I was an errant neural impulse away from breaking my 43-inch flat screen–that I bought on sale for a super low-low price.

Then to cap it off, I actually yelled at the TV–an inanimate object–when Ryan Tannehill threw up at the sight of his wife a hail mary. My neighbours must think I’m crazy. (Sorry, neighbours.)

The remote had it coming. (Note: no remotes were harmed during my viewing of the Buffalo BIlls game)

Anyways, after I stopped verbally and physically abusing inanimate objects, I summarized the game. What came out was a perfectly rational and reasonable recap of the week 7 showdown between the Miami Dolphins and Buffalo Bills.

***

The Buffalo Bills turned turnovers into points and managed a rare road divisional victory over the Miami Marlins Dolphins.

On his first offensive drive, Ryan Tannehill threw a “Schaub” to nickel corner Nickell Robey. The 5-7–in heels–Robey jumped the route and then front-flipped into the endzone to get the Bills on the board 7-0. No Word yet if Tannehill has developed a newfangled disorder that is being referred to as Picksixlexia. (This disorder has plagued Texans quarterback Matt Schaub all year–Schaub is still convinced he has been throwing touchdown passes.)

On their next drive, the Buffalo Bills suffered a scare when Fred Jackson looked like he suffered a career ending knee injury. The cart came onto the field, but Jackson walked off the field. Soon after, Jackson pinballed his way into the endzone to increase the Bills lead to 14-0.

The Dolphins began to catch up. After the Bills failed to take enough time off the clock before the half, the Dolphins marched down the field to score a touchdown to cut the lead to 17-14 at the half.

In the second half, the Bills lack of offense became an issue. The BIlls could not sustain a drive with Thad Lewis at the helm, who struggled for most of the day. The Dolphins took away his deep ball options and forced him to throw intermediate routes, for which Lewis does not have the accuracy to throw. As a result, the Bills found themselves down 21-20.

Mario-aculously, Mario Williams came up with a sack, strip, forced fumble, which was recovered by his brother Kyle Williams (more on the recovery later) with 3:39 left in the 4th quarter. With the ball at Miami’s 34 yard line, the Buffalo Bills got the one first down they needed–unlike those New Orléans Saints!–and kicked a field goal to take the lead with 0:33 seconds left.

Of course, it wasn’t that easy. The Buffalo Bills much maligned special teams once again gave up a big return, setting up Miami at their own 46–leaving them about 15-20 yards away from field goal range. But then Ryan “Spray” Tannehill missed on three throws in a row. With 0:06 seconds left on the clock, Tannehill had one more chance, but missed on a hail mary attempt. In other news, Doug Flutie slept well last night.

The Buffalo Bills take on the New Orléans Saints next week on the road. Yelp.

***
Ryan Tannehill managed to elude about 3,506,704 sacks on the hail mary attempt. After eluding the sacks, he scrambled to the right sideline and heaved up a Hail Mary. As the ball was in the air, I yelled at the TV. I didn’t scream anything concrete (maybe it was no, fuck, shit, or some combination of all of them), but the main idea I tried to convey with my guttural screams was that I had no faith that this game was going to go the Bills way, despite the fact that a Hail Mary is an incredibly low percentage play. 

To quote Cesar from The Kroll Show: “We can never be happy.”

***

Before I go, I must call attention to Kyle Williams. To be fair, Kyle Williams is actually quite athletic for a defensive tackle. But this wasn’t one of his finest moments.

This post took far longer than it should have because I kept staring at this gif.

I am interested in seeing Kyle Williams renact a certain famous scene from the modern film classic “Tommy Boy.” Chris Farley (RIP).

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One thought on “Buffalo Bills Rational Recap–Violence Against Inanimate Objects Edition (Week 7)

  1. Pingback: Buffalo Bills Rational Recap–Lowered Expectations (Week 8) | Emails From Doug Whaley

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