The Buffalo Bills managed to lose a football game. Not that weird. The Buffalo Bills lost several key players to injury. Again, not that weird. The Buffalo Bills lost, while their opponent managed to commit an incredibly unlikely 20 penalties. Weird, yes, but only because I can’t remember that ever happening before. But since this is the Buffalo Bills we are talking about, it’s hardly surprising. Since I have seen some shit in my day, I was able to stay unaffected by this game, unlike some other fans. Here is a smattering of fucked up comments made by said fans that I saw on various message boards after the Bills/Jets game.
- The Bills should have taken Geno Smith, instead of EJ Manuel.
- EJ Manuel reminds me of Trent Edwards.
- Our defense was (insert reference to nonconsensual sex)
- The Bills new coaching staff is just like the old one
- Justin Rogers is terrible.
Everything but the last one is batshit crazy. Describing Justin Rogers as terrible is completely 100% factually correct. On the other hand, the other comments are clearly the words of people who ask themselves questions like whether or not life is worth living–seriously, I love Trent Edwards with all my heart, but EJ Manuel is not Trent Edwards.
Step back from that ledge my
friend Buffalo Bills fans. Everything is going to be ok. And, even if what I said is just a banal platitude designed to keep you alive, I can honestly say that a Buffalo Bills game is not something worth committing suicide over.
You’re probably wondering why I’m talking people off the ledge, rather than teetering on one. Well, that’s because I decided to numb my senses with
drugs and alcohol Netflix. There is nothing like watching 4 hours of British TV to help oneself forget the 4 hours you wasted on North American TV.
After I burned out on my latest Netflix binge, I decided I was ready to write a recap of the game. “But fuck it,” I said to myself, “I can’t justify detailing the goings on of that clusterfuck of a game.”
That’s because recapping this game, as not only a fan, but as a human being with a fully functioning prefrontal cortex, would be akin to Chinese water torture. Let it be known, this has nothing to do with the Buffalo Bills losing. It’s about how unwatchable that “football” game was. I, at one point even started doing my dishes instead of watching Kyle Wilson self destruct.* The rehashing of every 5-minute referee discussion after a penalty call would feel like the equivalent to one drop of water falling on my forehead.
So I’m saving myself, and all of you, from reading what would be a perfectly irrational and unreasonable recap of the week 3 showdown between the Buffalo Bills and New York Jets.
There really isn’t much to takeaway from this game that we didn’t already know.* The Jets have a good defense, but are undisciplined. The Bills somehow find a way to stay in games, but are Cassie Ainsworth thin in the secondary. In other news, Russia and China have little respect for basic human rights.
I will be back next week, barring any unforeseen circumstances, like the Baltimore Ravens murdering someone on field (consequently leaving play suspended until sufficient evidence is collected. I’m sure a grounds crew could handle a chalk outline).
See you next week, unless you’re a jumper.
*Full disclosure: I have been known to pile up my dishes to the point that I’m spreading butter on bread with bottle openers.
*Stay tuned for an EJ Manuel vs. Geno “Oonce Oonce” Smith post. I will go into more detail about the game there. Seems like a safe haven away from having to mention 20 post-penalty referee conferences.