I will never write about Tim Tebow; I will do anything for page views. Quagmire much? Ultimately, it comes down to what matters more to me, personal beliefs or internet popularity?
The staff here at Emails From Doug Whaley wish Tim Tebow a quick return to his feet. In honour of Tim Tebow’s one-week anniversary of his release from the Jets, we have put together a list of career options to ease the transition for Tebow. We are here for you Timmy and we are sending our love down the well.
The CFL: Apparently Tebow is welcome on the Allouettes (who own his CFL rights) as long as he is willing to compete for a starting job—which is absolutely ridiculous. Does Anthony Calvillo have God on BBM? Can Calvillo vividly recall what the inside of TSwift’s thighs—over pants—felt like? Let’s not get started on the whole practicing with a shirt off in the rain thing, because I saw Calvillo wear a shirt to the pool once. Tim Tebow ne sera pas un jouer avec les Alouettes de Montréal.
Deactivating landmines in Africa: Tebow can turn to various missionary work. He doesn’t need to limit himself to landmines. just do good deeds like providing condoms to stop the spread of aids—well, lets not get too ahead of ourselves. It would be a great way for Tebow to stay in the public eye now that he’s not employed by the NFL.
Christian Action Fiction: I initially thought this was going to be a totally original idea. According to Alex Koustas this actually already exists: “it’s called the Omega Code with the dude from Starship Troopers.” Alex also believes that Tim Tebow has a place in straight DVD action Seagal style because of his newfangled interest in tai-chi. What about a Christian reboot of Exit Wounds starring Tebow and Scott Stapp in the place of DMX? (I just got a little nervous, I don’t think I should be talking about this in public. My pitch is getting a lot of heat around Hollywood.)
Chippendale’s dancer: Not exactly what they meant by the lord’s work, but it would be a shame to waste a physique like the one seen below. Not to mention, all the work Tebow has put into his 3 step drops could come in handy when it comes down to figuring out all the complicated footwork involved in Chippendale’s dancing–this just makes sense. As Gavin Whitehead, suffering Jets fan put it, “He’s not a QB, his talents lie elsewhere.”
Starter in the NFL: This isn’t as difficult as everyone is making it out to be. Basically the entire team has to do everything whatsoever possible to change the way they play in order for Tebow to succeed. For example, the defensive players need to get in better shape so they can stay on the field longer to mitigate all the 3 and outs. Perhaps there would be some resentment from teammates but an improved exercise regimen would be for their own good. Think of it this way, if the Patriots signed Tim Tebow, Vince Wilfork might actually live to see a grandkid or two.
I asked some of my friends if they had any tips or leads on finding work. I am using my extended social network for you, Timmy.
“I have no idea at this point. He’s run out of options. He’s gotten passed around like a foster child and now has reached the age of majority.”
“Advertising is a cult, so he has some transferable skills in that regard, but I don’t think he is willing to convert to Scientology. I’m not worried about Tebow though, he will get back on his feet. I mean if R. Kelly can find work after his wetwork…”
“I will give him a job. He can start out in the mail room, like I did. His undue popularity is better suited for corporate advancement. Furthermore, I can trust him to refrain from any interoffice promiscuity–the last thing my company needs is another scandal.”
“Nah. He’s got two left hands.”
That’s it for now. Good luck Timmy.