That Really Got Out Of Hand Fast–NFL Draft Fashion.

That Really Got Out Of Hand Fast–NFL Draft Fashion.

This post is extremely late, and extremely irrelevant by now. Nevertheless I now bring you the best and worst dressed players from the NFL draft. Better late than never, amiright?

“The NFL Draft 2013-Best Dressed” post originally was intended to be a critique of fashion choices in some sort of linear manner. However, my panel of experts had to keep it real. Thus, within the contents of this post there is no structure to speak of and male objectification abounds. Girls will be girls, I suppose.

Below are highlights of some of the finest evening wear from last Thursday, along with comments from various panelists–too numerous to list out. If you want to stalk them, click on their names.

P.S. I stayed in on a Friday night to work on this instead of going out and getting Enloe.

Barkevious “GQ” Mingo

Carly Chris Basch:

“Wow. He looks very sharp in that outfit. The suit is a nice shade, works well with his skin tone. He may play for one of the biggest losers in the NFL (The Browns, technically my favourite NFL team), but his style wins. I give him five winks out of three and a “call me maybe.”

Carolyn Detective Colombo:

“He looks spiffy like any soon to be rich football player but his name is totally fake. Is he like trying to prove he’s part dog and can bark? How is that a real name?”

Lauren Giguere:

“His suit is sexy. Tight enough but not too tight, you can figure out what you need to know without getting into metro territory. The shoes though, have got to be less pointy next time. Overall, I wouldn’t necessarily need to be drunk.”

Ziggy: recycling is not the Ansah. Reusing is.

Carly Chris Basch:

“Awwww I didn’t know Urkel could play football. Good for him! But ditch the baseball cap. “

Jewish Kelly Kapowski:

“To each their own. Bold fashion choice. Diva on a dime.”

Christen McBeal:

“His glasses are broken–amongst other things. I think he needs to go find himself in a far off distant land. You know backpack through India, maybe get dysentery, see the light.”

(Ed.Note: Ziggy Ansah is a Ghana native who attended Brigham Young University on academic scholarship. Of course, instead of encouraging him to further pursue higher learning, Ansah has been pushed into America’s blood sport of choice. The grand result is a very intelligent human being not recycling his 3D glasses after watching GI Joe: Retaliation.)

Dark Skinned Dillon:

“Is he celebrating Wendy Williams “a wig a day in may” early?”

Carly Chris Basch:

“This guy should beat up the person who took this photo because canted angles are always a terrifying way to frame someone. He’s pointing his thumb in the wrong direction.”

Kristi Burnett Reilly:

“No thanks.”

Tavon “Burgundy” Austin

Dark Skinned Dillon:

“I hope St. Louis has a good orthodontist.”

Ana Batsbothtrovic:

“He has a smile that can make you forget that slick suit.”

Marjorie Corsame Sugar On Me:


Surprisingly no mention of Shawn Desman.

Dark Skinned Dillon:

“Remember Jersey Shore? Kenny Vaccarro does.”

Kristi Burnett Reilly:

“Yes please–I am into the douchebag look.  My friends and I like to play a game at Jays games where we say if we would trust a player to babysit our (imaginary) kids based on their player pic on the Jumbotron. ‘Kenny’ would definitely not pass that test–he seems like he would spend the whole time taking ‘selfies’ instead of watching said kids. Still, 8 out of 10.”

Dark Skinned Dillon:

“Black pre-Subway Jared.

Steph Ahumada AKA the Chilean Shakira:

“Never trust a big butt and a smile” – Bell Biv Devoe lyrics to their song Poison. I can’t compete with those hips and my hips don’t lie.

Marjorie Corsame Sugar On Me:

“You keep on smiling big guy!!! Shine on!!!”

Kristi Burnett Reilly:

“My friend Mathabo always says that Leo DiCaprio gets fat like a girl–he carries all his weight in his hips and thighs. This guy seems cut from the same cloth. But he has a nice smile, and I think his fly is open, which makes him seem endearing, so I’d hit it. 6 out of 10.”

(Ed.Note: Kristi rates everyone on a 1 to A.J. Burnett scale.)

Cordarelle Patterson w/ swag on.

Ana Batsbothtrovic:

“Ooh, Cordarelle is swagalicious with sweet detail work.”

Lauren Giguere:

“Bowties can be sexy but this is accessory overkill. It just looks tacky and like he’s desperate for attention. Plus, the cornrows aren’t sexy and neither are the glasses. He should have just picked ONE.”

Dark Skinned Dillon:

“Boy oh boy oh boy.” (Ed.Note: he stopped typing at this point.)

Barry Sanders at the podium instead of on his porch, wishing he could be regaling anyone who will listen to him nascent minds about the shit he’s seen. 

Marjorie Corsame Sugar On Me:

“I feel like he’s about to say FUUUUUUUUCKKKK!!!”

Ana Batsbothtrovic:

“He had a 20 and spent it at the thrift shop only he’s not so happy about it.”

Kristi Burnett Reilly:

“Is this someone’s father? Or is it a Greg Oden ‘he’s 17 but looks 77’ situation? I can’t tell. 1 out of 10.”


I feel dirty now. I think I am going to take a shower. Forgive me lord Enloe.


3 thoughts on “That Really Got Out Of Hand Fast–NFL Draft Fashion.

  1. Pingback: Best Looking Player Available | Emails From Doug Whaley

  2. Pingback: Yup, These Are My Friends–Browns Edition | Emails From Doug Whaley

  3. Pingback: MEDIA WATCH: I WATCH “NFL AM” SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO, EPISODE 1 | Emails From Doug Whaley

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