I have never done crack. I hope to never do crack. Why would I attempt to do crack when my cable package has the NFL Network?
Six months out of the year, the mind-numbing, limp-limb goodness of the NFL Network makes me want to find the white collar criminals responsible for running this glossy, over-produced network and prosecute him on some racist mandatory minimum shit.
If you’re still reading this, odds are that you know the symptoms. The “America’s Game” marathons. Watching episodes of “Top 10” that you’ve seen dozens of times before, if only to watch the cute little bumpers with the pool balls. Leaving it on all day as “background noise”, only to realize that it’s 2 am and you’ve missed a meal or two.
But as good as those six months of the year are, there is a dark side to our addiction to the NFL Network. It is the NFL Network during the offseason. For when we look into that abyss, the abyss most certainly looks back at us.
And it seems to think that we look like the sort of folks who would really enjoy an overlong, after-school ninth-grade rehearsal of Samuel Beckett’s “Waiting for Godot”, complete with all the bizarre technical miscues, actors forgetting their lines (or repeating them ad nauseum with a slightly different emphasis), and the vague yet undeniable sense that the director may be doing this to pay for same past transgression which may or may not have criminal undertones.
Godot, in this metaphor, would of course be our exalted commissioner, the one who shows up on that dias on a wonderful April day and declares we once again have content to discuss. He promises to save us all from all-afternoon repeats of “NFL AM” (IT’S FUCKING CALLED “NFL AM” ANY AIRING AFTER NOON IS ANTITHETICAL), the discussions of who may potentially make “The Top 100” this year, and the other assorted navel-gazing that makes up the Nietzschian despair of the offseason.
But we must keep watching. Anything to hold the terrible silence at bay. So I will watch Mike Mayock break down endless game tape – tape that seems to spool from the Gates of Hell, so vast and terrible is its quantity. I will watch interviews with highly touted draft prospects, and then watch analysis of these fluff sports interviews to seek out deeper meaning (or even better, analysis of the clothes said prospects were wearing at the time of the interview – thanks Jamie Dukes – to get an idea of the player’s psychology and viability as a franchise player).
If you’ll excuse me, post-draft coverage beckons. If Draft Day is over, shouldn’t Godot be here? Hello?