Three Days Later-NFL Draft Review

Three Days Later-NFL Draft Review

I googled E.J. Manuel shirtless and this came up.

Twenty Three Days Later

After 3 days, 7 rounds and over 20 hours of coverage, the NFL draft is finally over. As much as I playfully lampooned Mike Mayock and his lascivious descriptions of large men, I will sincerely miss quotes likes this:

Pointing out a 4th round offensive lineman by the name Brian Schwenke : “Look at that body. Only mom loves that body.”

The Body by Brian Schwenke

Afterwards, Rich Eisen gleefully exclaimed “You just got Schwenk’ied.” I am not sure what I will do without the NFL draft in my life. Perhaps I will study for my WGS final. It’s just not the same unfortunately. Cynthia Enloe just doesn’t have the same way with words as Rich Eisen.

Disclaimer: I am going to do a fair bit of actual analysis in this article. But fret not, Best Looking Player Available fans, I am working on a Best Dressed article for Monday night. For every self-indulgent analytical piece, I will post one pandering, exploitive piece.

Buffalo Bills Draft Day 2

After taking “dark-skinned Drake” in the first round, the Bills opted to play it safe in the 2nd and 3rd rounds of the draft. They received an extra second rounder from trading down from 8 to 16. These are their day 2 picks.

Robert Woods: With their first pick they selected wide receiver Robert “Elle” Woods out of USC. This is as safe as it gets–he lacks any special physical traits-average speeed, height, etc. However, he’s a mortal lock as a number 2 receiver because his route running is a thing of beauty. Virtually every highlight catch of Woods involves him splitting zone coverage and finding a soft spot in the zone with workman like precision. Whoever plays quarterback for the Bills this year will love throwing to him.

Kiko Alonso: with their second pick of the 2nd round the Bills took linebacker Kiko Alonso out of Nike U Oregon. He’s big, fast–and has a past drinking problem. I texted Katie Phillips about that and she responded with, “HA! I read current.”

Marquise Goodwin: This was the first pick of the Bills draft I wasn’t keen on. Goodwin is an Olympian–finished 10th in London in track. However, truth bomb: running track and playing football are not the same. The next time someone gets tackled on a track, it will be the first time. But hey! He’s super fast. He’s like Tavon Austin– except without any obvious football skills.

Tavon Austin makes Marquise Goodwin want to be a better “bad little man.”

Buffalo Bills Draft Day 3

Duke Williams: By the time the Bills got to their 4th round pick, all of the good tight ends were gone, so they went with a safety with some upside. The reason said upside safety fell to the 4th round is because like Kiko Alonso, he also has a “past” drinking problem. That and, he put a teammate in a hospital (Kiko did not put anyone in the hospital. But he did break into someone’s apartment whilst intoxicated.) This should be cause for concern, but he’s a safety prospect. And, if you have watched the NFL at any point in time, you understand that the term safety is a misnomer.

Jonathan Meeks: The Bills went safety again in the 5th round, this time for a prospect whom the NFL website didn’t have a bio for. Most draftniks labeled him a 7th rounder at best. Probably not a good idea to go for a safety here with the likes of Kenny Stills, Da’Rick Rogers, Ryan Swope still available. According to the Bills website, he’s childhood friends with last year’s first round pick Stephon Gilmore. Nepotism? Also, from the website, Meeks apparently nailed the whiteboard component of the interview process–this is where coaches ask players to explain concepts on a whiteboard to them. If the NFL suddenly becomes a whiteboard league–after they go broke paying out concussion lawsuits–the Bills will be prepared.

Dustin Hopkins: The Bills decided to make Rich Eisen happy by taking a kicker with their 6th round pick–“kickers are people too,” Eisen giddily exclaimed. Apparently, he’s the consensus number 1 kicker in this draft–equivalent to graduating Magna Cum Laude from York. Again, the Bills website ramped up the propaganda and posted some info about Hopkins on their blog. Apparently, he lifted 20 reps of 225 lbs at the combine. Not sure what that has to do with his leg, but that sure is mighty impressive. As a sidenote, the NFL Network listed kicker handsize during the draft…

Chris Gragg: With their final pick the Bills took tight end Chris Gragg. At 6-3, he’s more of a split-end type, so this pick didn’t really provide an answer for the Bills lack of size in its receiving/tight end corps. However, Gragg does possess elite speed and “hops”–at the combine he finished first amongst tight ends in 40 yard dash and the vertical jump. Before you get too excited, the reason Gragg dropped to the 7th round is myriad of injury concerns. He didn’t play a full season in colllege. Here’s hoping the Bills have the magic elixir that ails Gragg.

Undrafted Free Agents:

Da’Rick Rogers: as the draft went on, I became increasingly frustrated the Bills didn’t take a flyer on Da’Rick Rogers. Sure, he got kicked off his team for failing “drug” tests–marijuana is still technically a drug–but with a 5th, 6th, 7th rounder, why not give it a shot? Unbeknownst to me at the time Da’Rick would go undrafted. Promptly after the draft, the Bills quickly snatched him up. He’s easily the most likely undrafted free agent to become a productive receiver–as long as he understands that he can only smoke pot in the offseason when the NFL doesn’t administer drug tests. Do yourself a favour and check out this highlight mix of Rogers–if only to hear the musical accompaniment. (sample lyric: “No love…only cry when babies die.”)

Bills Draft: analysis with arbitrary grade.

The Bills started off the draft very well. Anytime you can get extra picks (2nd and a 7th) while still getting your quarterback of the future, you have done right by your team. However, Day 2 was a little uneven. Robert Woods and Kiko Alonso both fit needs, but Marquise Goodwin seems like a lottery pick–the odds are not good. Day 3 was underwhelming at first. Two safeties, a kicker and an oft-injured tight end are not exactly awe-inspiring. Luckily redemption in the form Da’Rick Rogers came and saved day 3 from mediocrity.

Overall, I was quite pleased with the fact that the Bills lost their “drafting a choir” strategy this year. In past years the Bills stayed away from malcontents, derelicts and the like, opting instead for good ole’ boys that tow the company line. The results have been mixed. The first rounder choir boys have worked out fairly well (Spiller, Dareus, Gilmore) but after that the drafts have been failures. The value in the later rounds is in going after players who drop because of character concerns. Sure, odds are one of these guys is going to do some dumb shit and consequently will end up as a waste of a pick. However, they drafted/signed 3 of them. By that logic, the odds are one of them will turn into a steal–or at least by using my fuzzy math.

Draft grade: B- at first. B+ after Da’Rick Rogers signing.

New York Jets have gone mad

In a vacuum, taking Geno Smith in the 2nd round is a great idea. In the whirlwind that is the New York Jets it’s an absolutely terrible idea. After the Jets drafted Geno, they were officially at 6 quarterbacks on their roster. At this point, I was rooting for an all quarterback draft from thereon. I was thinking Matt Barkley in the 3rd, Landry Jones in the 4th, Zac Dysert in the 5th, Tyler Bray in the 6th and Collin Klein in the 7th. This way they could field an entire offense of quarterbacks. Mark chimed in “they could just lateral it to each other.” Seems crazy enough to work.

Brian Kelly Notre Dame Coach and Scouting Savant

Apparently when Brian Kelly “checks out” offensive linemen (his words, not mine), the specimen in question has “gotta have a good butt and gotta have the right cut.” Linemen need to have a wide base to shake off blitzing defensive ends, but what does their hairstyle have to do with it? Apparently if you have long hair, it’s a good indicator you are a crazy person, which in turn makes you ideally suited to be an offensive linemen.

The hair. Schwenke is a bit of a Taylor Hanson look a like, no?

New favourite nickname

The 49ers had a solid draft as they have been wont to do recently. They traded up for highly rated safety Eric Reid and took a flier in the 4th round on Marcus Lattimore–the South Carolina star who has already suffered two devastating knee injuries in college. That’s all well and good but they also drafted Corey Lemonier in the 3rd round, who from heretofore I shall refer to as Corey Lemonier stand. It’s not as stupid as you think. After all, he’s a defensive end and I would ideally use it during goal line stands.


That’s it for now. Join me Monday evening for some exploitive blogging.  See you then.


3 thoughts on “Three Days Later-NFL Draft Review

  1. Pingback: Is God a PED? | Emails From Doug Whaley

  2. Pingback: Buffalo Bills Offseason Insanity | Emails From Doug Whaley

  3. Pingback: Yup, These Are My–Experts: who will the Bills take 8th overall? | Emails From Doug Whaley

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