Best Looking Player Available

Best Looking Player Available

Don’t hate.

In my previous post I asked a few of my friends who they actually thought would go 8th overall to the Bills. For this post I decided to ask my other friends something they would actually want to answer: who is the best looking player the Bills could pick at 8th overall? Luckily I have no shortage of friends who are willing to objectify the male form. Considering I am studying third wave feminism, I should be disgusted that male prurience has projected itself onto women. However, I haven’t been added to any search engines yet, so good luck finding me Cynthia Enloe.

The following are real quotes, from real friends, who have really varied tastes.

“I would definitely pick Dion Jordan–that’s a nice looking man. If he isn’t available—at 8th overall, maybe Tyler Bray, he is nice on the eyes. But that helmet hair? Do something about it Tyler, and we’ll talk. Actually nevermind Tyler, I just found this picture of Cordarelle Patterson. You’re out”

-Carly Chris Basch

“Ugh. All of these guys look like they have head trauma. (Ed. Note: it’s because they do.) Tyler Wilson, maybe. He kind of looks like my boyfriend, but like a gorilla version of him. So, I would probably have to go with Ryan Nassib. I’m into his arms–I want him to protect my babies. I feel like he would throw me up against a… (Ed. Note: the next part was lost on the editing room floor like a certain Katie Holmes nude scene. I will never forgive Tom Cruise.)”

-Sam Kalpouzos, TMI

“I’m in theatre school, so by virtue of “the business” I am surrounded on the daily by ridiculously good looking people. Most of them are women, and the others are generally gay, but it means that I can appreciate someone who takes the time to product his hair or actually wash his face (I also have a newfound appreciation for boobs). While the list of draft pics are generally studly/manly/muscly, few truly have what it takes to get ahead in this world; a decent skincare routine is a must.

Since I have to pick one, I have to choose. Matt Barkley. I am a sucker for a blonde, blue-eyed boy. He looks like he has a Southern accent and that he would come to the door to pick me up and ask my father for my hand in marriage. Or he could play Curly McLean in a production of “Oklahoma!” and let me know how beautiful of a morning it is.

A very close second: Cordarelle Patterson. Are you a baritone Cordarelle? Or a tenor? Because you strike me as a Taye Diggs-eque Benny a la RENT. Is this true? You have one thing over Taye Diggs, however, and THAT is your glowing locks. I like. I like. Now sing me a song, dammit.”

-Jody Whitfield, The Jodester, Jewish Kelly Kapowski.

“Okay I have no idea who these players are, but whatever. Tyler Bray is hot but I’m 100% sure he’s an asshole which is a plus and a minus in the end to his hotness. I had high hopes for Lane Johnson, but that chin strap… where do I start? Chance Warmack? I like him when his gut slips over but if the shirt is off or fully on his ranking lowers. Also that hair is terrible. Blondie is cute, but Matt Barkley’s daddy can give him whatever he wants so I can’t give him first on principle. Cordarelle Patterson is a future boyfriend for someone on Bad Girls Club.

I think I have to go with EJ Manuel, AKA dark skin Drake. Need I say more?”

-Dillon Mcgee Waldron

“I was thinking Tyler Wilson because I had a crush on a Tyler Wilson in high school, but this one looks nothing like him. So the winna: EJ Manuel. Mostly because of this…”

Pour some sugar on me EJ.

-Hayley Shaughnessy, PR.

Related posts:

That Really Got Out Of Hand Fast-NFL Draft Fashion

Sending Our Love Down The Well

GMails From Doug Whaley


5 thoughts on “Best Looking Player Available

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