Buffalo Bills Rational Recap–Head Explosion Edition

Buffalo Bills Rational Recap–Head Explosion Edition
Every Monday* I try my very best to write a rational recap of the latest Buffalo Bills game. For last week’s recap, CLICK HERE!
 *Except the bye week and the Thursday night NFL network shit show against the Cleveland Browns.

I’m gonna go ahead and just put this out there: there is absolutely no way that I will ever be able to write a rational and reasonable recap of the week 9 matchup between the Buffalo Bills and the Kansas City Chiefs. No amount of time, fish tacos, or space from Dan Dierdorf’s annoying, senile grandpa routine could do it.

Why so crazy? I will let HCDM explain: “I thought it was a catch all the way… I struggle sometimes. I would love for someone to tell me what a definition of a catch is.” I too, like Doug Marrone, struggle sometimes. Actually no, I struggle all the time with the definition of what a catch is.

As someone with a fully functioning prefrontal cortex, I have to say watching an NFL game has become an increasingly jarring experience on a cognitive level. I have through the years built up an understanding of what a catch is. Yet week after week my idea of what a catch is keeps getting uprooted by the NFL’s ever-changing, constant evolving virus idea of one.

My common sense, or dare I say, rational understanding of what a catch is this: if a player catches a ball with their hands or body, that player may use the ground to assist with the catch for as long as they control the ball as they are hitting the ground. In the case of Marquise Goodwin’s non catch, Goodwin caught the ball and was contacted legally by a Chiefs defender. Then he appeared to have used his arm (last I checked, still a part of the human body) to shield the ball from hitting the ground and then rolled over with the ball on top of him, down by contact. The ball never hit the ground because a body part of Goodwin’s blocked it from doing so. After Goodwin rolled over, already down by contact, the ball was jarred loose by a Chiefs defender. 

This is me trying to comprehend the logic behind what constitutes an NFL catch these days.

Originally the play was ruled as a catch by one referee, but another ref came in and somehow convinces him it wasn’t a catch, thus the call on the field is now incomplete. In order to overturn it there needs to be “indisputable visual evidence” that Goodwin controlled the ball. Upon further review by the referee, the call was upheld. The referee in his rambling, incoherent response noted that “the ball came loose.” Well, seeing that there was a body part between the ball and the ground, logic would dictate the ball is not loose. How could a ball be dangling in limbo crunched between an arm and the side of a stomach without falling out??????!?!!??!?!?!!????!?!??!??!?!?!?

Like really? Are you fucking serious? This is debatable somehow?

Yes, I’ve hyperfocused on one particular moment and I promise I wont do this again. I clearly needed to get this off my chest. I think it was a roundabout way of assuring myself that I am not as brain dead as those referees and Dan Dierdorf. But I feel a lot better now, but not enough to erase this whole thing and write a rational recap.

Truth is, there were other moments that lead to the Bills loss. Some completely of their own doing, but the majority of them were absolutely not their fault. Once I find a torrent of the game I will deconstruct it Zapruder film style.

I will be back next week with what hopefully amounts to a rational and reasonable recap. 

Not A Gambling Column–(Week 9)

Not A Gambling Column–(Week 9)

I went 12-1 last week! Not to mention, my only loss was the super sketchy Patriots win. I considered making myself 13-0 with an asterisk. But my common sense catholic upbringing taught me that two wrongs don’t make a right. Regardless 12-1 is nothing to sneeze at, so I spent the whole week patting myself on the back.

Well, by whole week I mean two days. Let’s just say my Thursday pick didn’t go so well. I think I might go 1-12 this week.

***

Cincinnati over Miami. I waffled on this one several times. I should have went with the home team, but stupid NFL Network convinced me the Bengals pass rush would destroy the decimated Miami o-line. I even considered changing my pick mid-game but I’ve got nothing if I don’t have my few readers trust.

Buffalo over Kansas City. Give us our Tuel, and we shall finish the job. I don’t care that Jeff Tuel is starting, I’m picking my Buffalo Bills. I vowed to pick them all year–other than the Saints game–and I’m sticking by it. Obviously I don’t feel good about it, but fuck it. Here’s my rationalization: the Bills weakness defensively has been deep plays, Chiefs can’t throw deep; the Bills strength is intercepting short to intermediate passes, the Chiefs throw nothing but short to immediate passes. I look forward to reading this paragraph and mocking myself around 4:30 pm. #tueltime.

Dallas over Minnesota. At least Christian Ponder succeeded at life in the grand scheme of things.

Christian Ponder’s wife. (Not Snow White you sicko)

Tennessee over St. Louis. I was really tempted to take the Rams this week. Then I remembered Kellen Clemens is starting. But I have 40-yard Zac Stacy Dash* on my fantasy team, so they’ve gotta make it respectable.

New Orleans over NY Jets. Dear Drew Brees: please throw 5 touchdowns against the Jets so I can feel better about my team. Thanks JP.

Washington Stupid White Men over San Diego. The home team wins!

Carolina over Atlanta. I am so glad Cam Newton has finally won over the national media… for now. If they lose this week, I look forward to all the “should Cam Newton get benched for Derek Anderson” insanity.

Oakland over Philadelphia. I am so proud of my prediction that the Oakland Raiders weren’t going to be that bad this year. And, I’m beaming with pride over Terrelle Pryor’s development. I’m going to ignore the td-int ratio in favour of the 93-yard untouched touchdown. Sorry Chip Kelly, you need to find yourself a Pryor.

Seattle over Tamrsa Bay. I feel like this is a Pete Carroll statement game, as in “I’m gonna show that dick how you coach a team well and not be a complete fucking prick that everyone on the team hates” kind of game.

Who does this remind you of?

Baltimore over Cleveland. I don’t care that these aren’t the Ravens of old because they are playing the Browns of old.

Pittsburgh over New England. The Patriots now are probably going to face the Broncos without their head coach. This is the luckiest professional sports team of all time that’s coincidentally owned by freemasons.

Indianapolis over Houston. Luck better not fuck this up.

Green Bay over Chicago. I swear to God, Aaron Rodgers threw a ball through someone’s head into Jordy Nelson’s hands last week. Somehow he didn’t get called for an unnecessary roughness penalty.

Last Week: 12-1 This year: 81-39.

*I can safely assume this is the first ever NFL draft combine/clueless reference.

Still trying to figure this one out.

Not A Gambling Column (Week 8)

Not A Gambling Column (Week 8)

This is going to be even more last minute than usual. You know you have time management skills when you cant get things that you enjoy doing done on time.

Carolina over Tamrsa Bay. If you think I would take a Greg Schiano team in a game against Cam Newton, you have trust issues.

Detroit over Dallas. As I learned this week, when its close take the home team.

Miami over New England. Never picking New England.

Kansas City over Cleveland. Alex Smith is better than Jason Campbell. There, I said it.

New Orleans over Buffalo. This will be the only time this year I pick against the Bills. I don’t feel good about it .

NY Giants over Philadelphia. My upset special of the week! I AM GOING TO REGRET THIS.

San Francisco over Jacksonville. I am not going to explain this week.

Cincinnati over NY Jets. The Bengals are on fire. Makes sense with firecrotch Andy Dalton at the helm.

Oakland over Pittsburgh. Keep in mind the Raiders beat the Steelers at home last season. And they are better this year.

Denver over Washington. The Peyton Manning noodle arm thing needs to stop.

Arizona over Atlanta. Patrick Peterson throws three touchdown passes.

Green Bay over Minnesota. Aaron Rodgers vs. Cassel/Ponder/Freeman.

Seattle over St. LOLuis.

Not A Gambling Column (Week 7)

Not A Gambling Column (Week 7)

I’m coming off a decent week (10-5). Let’s keep the good times rolling. Well, actually I’m not feeling good about this week. A lot of road favourites, which is never a good sign. Luckily, I have no money riding on these games because I never learned how to swim–with cement shoes on.

Seattle over Arizona. At the beginning of the year I thought Carson Palmer was in for a Kurt Warner redux. Now I wish Old Yeller was set in Arizona so I could have seen the obvious parallels.

Atlanta over Tampa Bay. Picking Atlanta almost every week has really hurt me. I’m going to keep trying this week because they are facing a Greg Schiano coached team.

Buffalo over Miami. I said this year I would pick the Bills every week except against the Saints on the road. I’m not feeling good about this week. But then again. the only thing uglier than Ryan Tannehill’s wife, is Miami’s offense.

NY Jets over New England. Although the Gronkening is nigh, Geno will rise to the occassion this week.

This is an example of a shitty meme.

Dallas over Philadelphia. I think Dallas has the offense to keep up with the Eagles–and a slightly better defense.

Chicago over Washington Stupid White Men. Washington at home seems like an obvious pick. But dammit! I just can’t do it.

Carolina over St. Louis. Sam Bradford will not throw 3 touchdowns on a 100 yards passing this week. If he throws 3 touchdowns it will be in garbage time after the Panthers are winning by 50 and take out their starters.

San Diego over Jacksonville. No word of a lie, I was very tempted to take Jacksonville this week. San Diego is hardly a juggernaut.

San Fran over Tennessee. For some reason, I am nervous about picking against Tennesse, even though they are quarterbacked by one Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Green bay over Cleveland. Intriguing QB battle: the fastest delivery in the league against the slowest!

Kansas City over Houston. I watched Case Keenum’s college highlights. Let’s just say throwing rainbows for touchdowns doesn’t happen as often in the NFL

Baltimore over Pittsburgh. This used to be a hotly anticipated game.

Denver over Indianapolis. I don’t think Andrew Luck is quite ready to pants Peyton in primetime.

NY Giants over Minnesota. Whenever MNF games are ridiculed for their lack of quality matchups, this game from now on should be invoked.

Last Week: 12-2 This year: 69-38.

Update: 11-3 this week.

Not A Gambling Column–Week 6

Not A Gambling Column–Week 6

I went 12-2 last week. NBD. Not showing off or anything. Now I’m definitely going 2-12. I jinxed myself.

Chicago over New York Giants. Jay Cutler has a lot going for him. New coach, great receivers, reality tv show wife.

Buffalo over Cincinnati. Just repeat after me. Thad “Fuckin” Lewis–to the tune of “This Is How We Do It.”

Detroit over Cleveland. I love Brandon Weeden’s $34 haircut. His game? Not so much.

Kansas City over Oakland. I don’t like this pick, but I can’t go with Oakland on the road, even though my love Terrelle Pryor grows stronger by the day.

Carolina over Minnesota. Come on Cam Newton, I love you, but you gotta do something for me lately soon.

NY Jets over Pittsburgh. Geno “Oonce Oonce” Smith is fun to watch. Amazing passes, amazing interceptions, amazing entertainment.

Greg Schiano is dumber.

Philadelphia over Tamrsa Bay. See what I did there? I will be here all week. But yeah, my feelings for Greg Schiano are the absolute polar opposite of the feelings I have for my one, and only, Chip Kelly.

Green Bay over Baltimore. Aaron Rodgers has to score some touchdowns–for my fantasy team.

Houston over St. Louis. “The ballad of who is worse at quarterbacking.”

Jacksonville over Denver. KIDDING! Denver over Jacksonville. Proline wouldn’t take bets on this game…

Seattle over Tennessee. Ryan Fitzpatrick on the road in Seattle. Just blinked and I had my answer.

New Orléans over New England. The Patriots defense just lost Vince Wilfork. There defense was probably overrated to begin with considering they have faced two rookie quarterbacks, a quarterback who has since been released from his team and an injury riddled Atlanta Falcons team. Not to mention, they lost to ginger Andy Dalton

San Francisco over Arizona. For some reason, I’m not very confident about this pick.

Dallas over Washington. It’s time for Tony Romo to rightfully cement his status as a very good but not great quarterback.

Indy over San Diego. The Chargers are 2-3, yet I keep reading/hearing about how good they are. Call me unimpressed.

Last Week: 12-2 This year: 48-30.

Update: 10-5

Not A Gambling Column–Week 5

Not A Gambling Column–Week 5

I went 8-7 last week, which was a huge improvement over my 6-10 the previous week. But still not great. I gotta get my shit together.

Bills over Browns. I picked the Bills. If I had known Brandon Weeden was going to get involved, I would have felt a lot better about that pick. Of course, EJ Manuel gets injured. #futilityofhumanendeavour.

New Orleans over Chicago. New Orleans in potentially bad weather? Well, I still will take the Saints because I’m frightened and weak-willed.

Cincinatti over New England. Geno Atkins will have his way with Brady.

Green Bay over Detroit. The Lions without Calvin Johnson. Yup.

Kansas City over Tennessee. Alex Smith or Ryan Fitzpatrick? I will take Alex Smith. The phrase “I will take Alex Smith” is one I am not used to saying.

Indianapolis over Seattle. Andrew Luck’s rightful ascension to the upper echelon of NFL quarterbacks begins today.

St. Louis over Jacksonville. Because Sam Bradford is a better Blaine Gabbert.

Baltimore over Miami. Because I really, really don’t like Ryan Tannehill‘s wife.

Philadelphia over NY Giants. Because Chip Kelly needs a confidence boost.

Arizona over Carolina. Cardinals are a pretty good team at home. Their defense will pressure Cam Newton.

Denver over Dallas. I don’t think this will be a cakewalk for Denver. But I look forward to Peyton Manning maintaining his 60 touchdown pace.

San Francisco over Houston. Matt Schaub on the road. LOL.

Oakland over San Diego. Philip Rivers and his awkward mechanics finally come unglued during this bizarre late game.

Atlanta over NY Jets. Mike Smith will try to find a way to fuck this up .

Update: 12-2 this week!

Last week: 8-7 This year: 36-28.

Not A Gambling Column–Week 4

Not A Gambling Column–Week 4

I’m late again with my weekly picks column. You’re gonna have to trust I picked St. Louis San Francisco before they built up a lead.

I went 6-10 last week. Just like the Bills did the previous two seasons. I guess the Buffalo Bills mediocrity is rubbing off on me. Last week was tricky because of all the road favourites. This week seems to be more of the same. Here’s hoping I can stay above .500. Current record: 27-21.

San Francisco over St. Louis. If yo think I’m lying, you’re wrong. I would never pick Sam Bradford to win a football game. On a side note: I wish Takeo Spikes was still playing for the Niners, so he could take out Chris Givens over the middle. “The Lord Chris Givens and the Lord Takeo-yeth away.”

Buffalo over Baltimore. Ray Rice is playing hurt, but so is CJ Spiller. The Bills secondary is in shambles, but the Ravens don’t have the receiver depth to take advantage of it. Baltimore is the better team, but Buffalo is at home.

Cincinatti over Cleveland. Brian Hoyer–a.k.a. my ex gf’s cousin–is actually pretty good. I would venture to say he’s better than Andy Dalton. And the main advantage that Dalton has is AJ Green, but Josh Gordon aint too shabby. The big difference in this game will be defense. The Bengals may have the best overall unit in the NFL.

Chicago over Detroit. I’m not particularly sure who will win this game. I’m going with the Bears because Trestman seems like he’s got it going on mentally. Jim Schwartz, well, I don’t know if I could say the same.

NY Giants over Kansas City. This will be my most insane pick of the week. I just can’t see the Giants going 0-4.

Arizona over Tampa Bay. My scouting report of Mike Glennon involves none of the traditional scouting tools like gametape, combine results, etc. What it does involve is looking at his goofy pictures on Google images. Just look at his face and tell me in all seriousness that he’s a starter in the NFL.

The only thing that Mike Glennon has going for him is that he’s too tall to get stuffed into a locker.

Indianapolis over Jacksonville. Andrew Luck vs. Blaine Gabbert!!!

Houston over Seattle. Upset special! I’m going to regret this, but for some reason I think Matt Schaub at home can pull it off against Russell “Inevitably will become a Scientologist” Wilson.

Pittsburgh over Minnesota. I’ve picked the Steelers to win twice this year. Do it for me Gentle Ben!

Tennessee over NY Jets. I am picking Jake Locker to win a football game. I don’t feel good about it.

Oakland over Washington. Washington over Oakland. I’m going to try something sketchy: if Pryor starts I pick Oakland, if Flynn starts I pick the Washington Stupid White Men.

Denver over Philadelphia. I’m sorry Chip Kelly.

Dallas over San Diego. Philip Rivers renaissance ends today!

Atlanta over New England. Come on Matty ice. Your nickname will finally make sense after this victory.

New Orleans over Miami. I’ve picked agains the Dolphins every week. My luck changes this week.

6-10. This year: 27-21.

 

 

 

Not A Gambling Column–Week 2

Not A Gambling Column–Week 2

I went 9-7 last week a.k.a. a slightly above average season for an NFL team. After a decent start, I’m feeling I will pad that win total–lots of obvious home favourites this week.

This week’s picks:

Exactly.

Jets over New England. I will not pick New England at any point this season–even if they are an obvious home favourite.

Atlanta over St. Louis. Sam Bradford on the road, inside a loud dome. One of his poor receivers may die today going over-the-middle.

Buffalo over Carolina. It’s the battle of “the racist comparison scouting comparison,” a.k.a EJ Manuel vs. Cam Newton. I mean E.J. Manuel is fast, tall and good-looking, so he must be exactly like Cam Newton. Bills win at home after Marcell Dareus baits Steve Smith into chewing out Cam Newton on the field.

Chicago over Minnesota. Marc Trestman for coach of the year!

Dallas over Kansas City. Alex Smith and that Kansas City wind. It’s gonna look like the commercial below, but in a bad way.

Indianapolis over Miami. I just don’t trust Ryan Tannehill’s taste in women abilities enough to pick him on the road.

Baltimore over Cleveland. Baltimore gets their home opener a week late. Thanks a lot Peter Angelos.

Houston over Tennessee. Jake Locker on the road. LOLOLOLOL.

Green Bay over Washington. Clay Matthews will sack RG3 and pretend he’s as fast as he was last year. Hey, if Dom Capers was my defensive coordinator, I would lie to myself too.

Philadelphia over San Diego. I’ve been going around telling people I liked Chip Kelly before he got famous, like he is Vampire Weekend, or some shit.

Surprisingly, I couldn’t find a picture of Vampire Weekend and Chip Kelly together.

Arizona over Detroit. Carson Palmer throws another 2 td’s into triple coverage to Larry Fitzgerald, because it’s the responsible thing to do.

New Orleans over Tampa Bay. Bold prediction: Greg Schiano will be the first coach fired this season.

Oakland over Jacksonville. Terrelle Pryor leads the NFL in rushing after this week.

Denver over NY Giants. I don’t feel good about this prediction. Something about the NY Giants being down and out thing just brings back old memories.

Seattle over San Fran. Just because they are at home. If this was in San Fran…

Cincinnatti over Pittsburgh. I just can’t pick a team that’s offensive coordinator is Todd Haley. At least, when he isn’t coaching an offense lead by a young Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin.

Update: 12-4 baby!